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TOP TEN SIGNS YOU MAY NOT BE READING YOUR BIBLE ENOUGH:
10) The Preacher announces the sermon is from Galatians ... and you check the table of contents.
9) You think Abraham, Isaac & Jacob may have had a few hit songs during the 60's.
8) You open to the Gospel of Luke and a WWII Savings Bond falls out.
7) Your favorite Old Testament Patriarch is Hercules.
6) A small family of woodchucks has taken up residence in the Psalms of your Bible.
5) You become frustrated because Charlton Heston isn't listed in either the Concordance or the Table of Contents.
4) Catching the kids reading the Song of Solomon, you demand: "Who gave you this stuff?"
3) You think the Minor Prophets worked in the quarries.
2) You keep falling for it every time when Pastor tells you to turn to First Condominiums.
And the number one sign you may not be reading your Bible enough:
1) The kids keep asking too many questions about your usual bedtime story: "Jonah the Shepherd Boy and His Ark of Many Colors."top-10s[73]
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YOU MIGHT BE IN A COUNTRY CHURCH IF . . .
1. The doors are never locked.
2. The Call To Worship is "Y'all come on in!"
3. People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the ark.
4. The Preacher says "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" - and 5 guys stand up.
5. The restroom is outside.
6. Opening day of deer hunting season is recognized as an official church holiday.
7. A member requests to be buried in his 4-wheel drive truck because "I ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get me out of".
8. In the annual stewardship drive there is at least one pledge of "2 calves".
9. Never in its entire 100-year history has one of it's pastors had to buy any meat or vegetables.
10. When it rains, everybody's smiling.top-10s[71]
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Some Facts (Part 2)
# Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
# Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
# The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses. (No one in Greece has memorized all 158 verses.)
# There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
# The average secretary's left hand does 56% of the typing.
# A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
# There are more chickens than people in the world.
# Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
# The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
# On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament Building is an American flag.
# All of the clocks in the movie Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.
# No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.
# "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
# All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5.00 bill
# Almonds are members of the peach family.
# Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
# Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
# There are only four words in the English language which end in "-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
# Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula". And can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size -- "L.A."
# A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.top-10s[48]
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Some Facts (Part 1)
# An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
# Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
# In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
# Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
# The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross.
# When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home, the stadium becomes the state's third largest city.
# The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's A Wonderful Life"
# A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours.
# A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
# A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
# On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper left-hand corner of the "1" encased in the "shield" and a spider hidden in the front upper right-hand corner.
# It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
# The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
# In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
# The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence "Oz."
# The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
# Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
# John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.
# The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
# 'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.top-10s[47]
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You Know You're a Mom When:
1. Your feet stick to the kitchen floor.....and you don't care.
2. When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone's bleeding.
3. You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.
4. You spend an entire week wearing sweats.
5. Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking bodily fluids on you.
6. Popsicle become a food staple.
7. Your favorite television show is a cartoon.
8. Peanut butter and jelly is eaten at least in one meal a day.
9. You're willing to kiss your child's boo-boo, regardless of what body part it happens to be on.
10. Your baby's pacifier falls on the floor and you give it back to her after you suck the dirt off of it because your too busy to wash it off.
11. Your kids make jokes about farting, burping, pooping, etc., and you think it's funny.
12. You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!
13. Spit is your number one cleaning agent.
14. You're up each night until 10 PM vacuuming, dusting, wiping, washing, drying, loading, unloading, shopping, cooking, driving, flushing, ironing, sweeping, picking up, changing sheets, changing diapers, bathing, helping with homework, paying bills, budgeting, clipping coupons, folding clothes, putting to bed, dragging out of bed, brushing, chasing, buckling, feeding (them, Not you), PLUS swinging, playing baseball, bike riding, pushing trucks, cuddling dolls, rollerblading, basketball, football, catch, bubbles, sprinklers, slides, nature walks, coloring, crafts, jumping rope, PLUS raking, trimming, planting, edging, mowing, gardening, painting, and walking the dog. You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet ... you still managed to gain 10 pounds.
15. In your bathroom there is toothpaste on the light fixtures, water all over the floor, a dog drinking out of the toilet and body hair forming a union to protest unsafe working conditions.
16. You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.
17. The closest you get to gourmet cooking is making rice krispie bars.top-10s[43]
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