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25 Phrases Of Wisdom
1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.top-10s[92]
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Actual Church Bulletin Bloopers (Part 3)
The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church
The pastor will light his candle from the altar candles. The ushers will light their candle from the pastor's candle. The ushers will turn and light each worshipper in the first pew.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
The Rev. Merriweather spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children
The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus
The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
The topic for our sermon next week will be "What is Hell?". Come early and listen to our choir practice
There will be a special collection today to pay for eight new choir robes. These are needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones
There will not be any Women Worth Watching this week.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs Jones to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. This Monday we will be holding a 'Bean Supper' in the church hall. Music will follow
This Friday at 5 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study
This Sunday morning following services we will have our monthly fellowship.
This week we invite any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir
Today... Christian Youth Fellowship Sexuality Course, 8 p.m. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.
Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.
Ushers will eat latecomers.
We have received word of sudden passing of Rev. Smith this morning during the worship service. Now let's sing "Praise God from Whom All Blessings Flow."
"Wise Up, O Men of God". Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.top-10s[91]
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Actual Church Bulletin Bloopers (Part 2)
Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper
On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD - Dr. Hargreaves is better.
Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 pm in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who is preparing for the girth of their first child.
Please remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"
The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
The 2003 Church Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11
The agenda was adopted...the minutes were approved... the financial secretary gave a grief report.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I upped My Pledge----Up Yours."
The beautiful flowers on the altar this morning are to celebrate the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev and Mrs. Julius Belzer. The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning.
"The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals".
The Honeymooners are now having bile studies each Tuesday evening at 7:30 p.m.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday
The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.top-10s[90]
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Actual Church Bulletin Bloopers (Part 1)
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers.
At the Ladies Liturgy Society this Thursday, Mrs Smith will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor
Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
Brother Lamar has gone on to be the Lord.
Don't miss this Saturday's exhibit by Christian Martian Arts...
Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
Father, we just want to pray for our unloved saved ones.
Glory of God to all and peas to his people on earth.
Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett - Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"
I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, even though he diets, yet shall be live.
If any of the congregation have children and don't know it, there is a nursery downstairs
If you are going to be hospitalized for an operation, contact the pastor. Special prayer also for those who are seriously sick by request.
"In a show of near anonymity, the convention approved full communion with the Anglican Church of Canada."
Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!
Lift up our Messianic brothers and sisters in Israel who are suffering during our prayer time.
Men's Prayer Breakfast. No charge, but your damnation will be gratefully accepted.
Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
Missionary from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Name: Bertha Belch. Announcement: Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa".
Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
Mrs Williams will be going in to hospital this week for testestop-10s[89]
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Subject: Kid prayers
Dear God,
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
Norma
Dear God,
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones you have now?
Jane
Dear God,
Who draws the lines around the countries?
Nan
Dear God,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?
Neil
Dear God,
Thank you for my baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.
Joyce
Dear God, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway
Your friend (but I am not going to tell you who I am)
Dear God,
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.
Bruce
Dear God,
If we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton, because I hate her.
Denise
Dear God,
I want to be just like my daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over.
Sam
Dear God,
I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions.
Ruth
Dear God,
I think about you sometimes, even when I'm not praying.
Elliott
Dear God,
I bet it is very hard for you to love all the people in the world.
There are only four people in our family and I can never do it.
Nan
Dear God,
Of all the people who worked for you, I like Noah and David the best.
Rob
Dear God,
My brother told me about being born, but it doesn't sound right.
They are just kidding, aren't they?
Marsha
Dear God,
If you watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show you my new shoes.
Mickey
Dear God,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday School, we learned that you did it. So I bet he stole your idea.
Sincerely, Donna
Dear God,
I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well I just want you to know that I am not just saying this because you are God already.
Charles
Dear God,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool!
Eugene
Dear God,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.
Larrytop-10s[79]
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