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What My Mother Taught Me
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE: "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside- I just finished cleaning!"
My mother taught me RELIGION: "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why."
My mother taught me more LOGIC: "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT: "Make sure you wear clean underwear,in case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY: "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS: "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM: "Will you 'look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA: "You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."
My mother taught me about WEATHER: "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS: "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen THEN?"
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY: "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times-Don't Exaggerate!!!"
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE: "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION: "Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY! "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION: "Just wait until we get home."
My Mother taught me about RECEIVING: "You are going to get it when we get home!"
My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE: "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD: "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."
My Mother taught me ESP: "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"
My Mother taught me HUMOR: "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes,don't come running to me."
My Mother taught me about GENETICS: "You're just like your father."
My Mother taught me about my ROOTS: "Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE: "When you get to be my age, you will understand."
And my all time favorite.... My Mother taught me about JUSTICE: "One day you'll have kids... and I hope they turn out just like you."top-10s[190]
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Top 10 Sayings of Moms in the Bible
10. Samson! Get your hand out of that lion. You don't know where it's been! (Judges 14:5-8)
9. David! I told you not to play in the house with that sling! Go practice your harp. We pay good money for those lessons!
8. Abraham! Stop wandering around the countryside and get home for supper!
7. Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego! I told you never to play with fire!
6. Cain! Get off your brother! You're going to kill him some day!
5. Noah! No, you can't keep them! I told you, don't bring home any more strays!
4. Gideon! Have you been hiding in that wine press again? Look at your clothes! (Judges 6:11)
3. James and John! No more burping contests at the dinner table, please. People are going to call you the sons of thunder! (Mark 3:17)
2. Judas! Have you been in my purse again?!
And the number one biblical saying of mothers is:
1. Jesus! Stop working on that old wood and come in and eat! You'd spend your life on that wood, if your father asked ya to!*
* Please note that the word "spend" isn't used in the sense of time, but in the sense of "giving his all" "being poured out".top-10s[187]
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10 Things a Mom doesn't want to hear
1. I swallowed a goldfish.
2. Your lipstick works better than crayons.
3. Does grape juice leave a stain???
4. The principal called...
5. But DAD says that word all the time.
6. What's it cost to fix a window???
7. Has anyone seen my earthworms???
8. I painted your shoes pretty, huh Mommy?
9. The dog doesn't like dressing up in your clothes.
10. I'm moving out. (Well, maybe some days.)...top-10s[186]
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In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
Some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.
On Tesco's Tiramisu desert:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
On Marks and Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating
On packaging for a Rowenta Iron:
Do not iron clothes on body
On Boot's CHILDREN's Cough Medicine
Do not drive car or operate machinery
On Nytol (a sleep aid):
Warning: may cause drowsiness
On a kitchen knife:
Warning: Keep out of children.
On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
On Sainsbury's Peanuts
Warning: contains nuts
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
On a chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.top-10s[180]
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Facts of Women
1) Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they're actually in control.
2) Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.
3) Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you "just don't understand".
4) Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.
5) Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.
6) Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.
7) Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.
8) Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.
9) Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.
10) If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.
11) Women brush their hair before bed.
12) Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.
13) Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, "It's there in the Bible".
14) The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
15) Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
16) Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
17) A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.
18) Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'
19) Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.
20) "Oh, nothing," has an entirely different meaning in woman- language than it does in man- language.
21) Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.
22) If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, "What did you do?"
23) Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?
24) Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.
25) The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party.top-10s[170]
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