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16 Biblical ways to aquire a wife
Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. -- Deuterononmy (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
Find a prostitute and marry her. -- Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3)
Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. -- Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)
Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. -- Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. -- Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib. -- Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)
Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman. -- Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)
Cut off 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. -- David (1Samuel 18:27)
Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative of course.) -- Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)
Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. -- Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ...woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." -- Samson (Judges 14:1-3)
Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though). -- David (2 Samuel 11)
Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea, it's the law). -- Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. -- Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)
A wife?...NOT!!! -- Paul (1Corinthians 7:32-35)
Become sinless, and die in atonement for others, and you can marry a whole bunch of people. -- Jesus (Revelation 15?)top-10s[204]
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Kids Bible quotes
Answers supposedly given by actual students taking a Bible knowledge test:
1. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark
2. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night.
3. Unleavened bread is bread made from no ingredients.
4. Moses went to the top of Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.
5. Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.
6. Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
7. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
8. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
9. One of the opposums was St. Matthew.
10. David fought the Finkelsteins, people who lived in biblical times.
11. The Jews had trouble throughout their history with unsympathetic Genitals.top-10s[202]
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TEN REASONS WHY I NEVER WASH
Though I attend church faithfully, I never wash. Here are my reasons:
1. My mother made me wash as a child.
2. The soap makers only want my money.
3. There are so many different kinds of soap, I could never decide which one was right.
4. I used to wash, but it got boring, so I quit.
5. I do wash on special days like Easter and Christmas.
6. I work hard all week and am too tired to take a bath on the weekend.
7. People who wash are hypocrites. They think they are cleaner than other people.
8. I get along very well without washing.
9. Hardly any friends I have, wash.
10. I'm still young. When I get older and dirtier I may wash."top-10s[201]
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Top Ten Things People Won't Say When They See the Christian Bumper Sticker or More Subtle Fish Symbol On Your Car:
10. "Look! Let's stop that car and ask those folks how we can become Christians."
9. "Don't worry, Billy, those people are Christians -- they must have a good reason for driving 90 miles an hour."
8. "What a joy to be sharing the highway with another car of Spirit- filled brothers and sisters."
7. "Isn't it wonderful how God blessed that Christian couple with a brand-new BMW?"
6. "Dad, how come people who drive like that don't get thrown in jail?" "Dad, can we get a bumper sticker like that, too?"
5. "Stay clear of those folks, Martha. If they get raptured, that car's gonna be all over the road!"
4. "Oh, look! That Christian woman is getting a chance to share Jesus with a police officer."
3. "No, that's not garbage coming out of their windows, Bert -- it's probably gospel tracts for the road workers."
2. "Oh, boy, we're in trouble now! We just rear-ended one of God's cars."
1. "Quick, Alice, honk the horn or they won't know that we love Jesus!"top-10s[200]
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Why Men Should Join the Church Choir
10. Rehearsals are every Wednesday night. Which means that for those few hours, you will significantly reduce your risk of contracting tendinitis from nonstop operation of a television remote control or computer mouse.
9. Because you wear a choir robe every Sunday, you are liberated from a task many men find quite challenging: finding clothes that match properly.
8. From your special vantage point every Sunday, in which you look out at the entire congregation from the choir seats, you will develop interesting new hobbies. Among these is a little guessing game called "Who's Praying, Who's Sleeping?"
7. On the other hand, sitting in full view of 400-500 people on a weekly basis makes it much less likely that you yourself will give in to a chronic lack of sleep. Although it has been known to happen.
6. If you think your singing in the shower sounds good now, just wait till you've been singing with us for a few weeks.
5. Singing in a choir is one of the few activities for men that does not require electronics equipment or expensive power tools. This could be good for the family budget.
4. For the fitness buffs, singing in the Choir is not only heart healthy, it's soul healthy. But there are no monthly membership fees, and it's a lot easier on the knees than jogging.
3. If you think you've done everything there is to do, and there are no great challenges left in life, try singing with us guys and staying on pitch.
2. Choir rehearsal lasts half as long as a professional football game, but is at least twice as satisfying. This is especially true if you are a long-suffering fan of the Miami Dolphins. (Don't worry, though, the rehearsals are on Wednesday, not Monday Nights.)
And the number 1 reason men should join the choir:
1. When people ask you whether you've been behaving yourself, you can say with the utmost sincerity, "Hey, I'm a Choir Boy."top-10s[193]
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