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A strong Baptist family decided to buy a home and make everything in the house Baptist. They were going to make it look and feel Baptist through and through. So when they were finished they went to a petshop to look for a Baptist dog.
They asked the owner, "Do you have a Baptist dog?"
Surprised, the petshop owner thought about it for a while and then nodded, saying, "Yes... yes, I think we have a dog that will fit your description."
So the owner brought out the dog to the family, and the father said, "Let's see if this is a real Baptist dog." So the father said to the dog, "Go get a Bible."
And the dog ran over to a table, grabbed a Bible in its mouth, ran back to the man and plopped the book at his feet.
Impressed, the father continued, "Let's see if this dog knows its books of the Bible... Turn to Psalm 23".
The dog then opened the Bible with its snout and pawed through the pages to Psalm 23.
Very pleased, the father bought the dog and brought it home. The next day, the family had visitors. They showed their friends the Baptist dog and the things it could do.
Finally, the friends asked, "Well, can it do any other tricks that normal dogs do?"
The Baptist father wondered and said, "Hmm, I don't know. I've never tried." He then ordered the dog, "Heel."
Suddenly the dog leaped onto the father's lap and placed its paw on the man's head and started to pray.
"Wait a minute!" exclaimed the Baptist mother, "This dog isn't Baptist! It's Pentecostal!"long-jokes[226]
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There was a girl named Tanya, and she was new in school. On the first day, in math class Mr. Tom introduced himself to his students, and asked the question, "If there is anyone who believes in God, please stand up."
Tanya was the only one to stand up. Mr. Tom then asked, "Can you see, hear, taste, smell, or feel your God?" Tanya replied, "No" “Then you may sit down,” Mr. Tom said coldly, ” For your God does not exist.”
Tanya said, “May I ask you a question, Mr. Tom?” “Yes.” He replied “Can you see, hear, taste, smell, or feel your brain?” “No” he said. “Then you may sit down, for your brain does not exist.”
And the class cheered.long-jokes[224]
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This small church was having money difficulties and the pastor was going to have to bring it before the church the next Sunday morning.
That Sunday morning came and it was time for the morning service. The pastor was informed that the regular organist was sick and a subsitute was going to have to play.
The substitute organist asked about the order of the service and the pastor gave her the hymns to play. He then informed her that at the end of the service he would have to explain to the congeration that the repairs had cost more than expected and there was not enough money to pay for them.
When the end of the service drew near, he relayed the situtation to the church body and asked that any one wishing to donate a hundred dollars or more to please stand and be recognized. At that, the organist began playing the most beautiful rendition of the Star Spangle Banner that anyone had ever heard.
This is how she became the regular organist.long-jokes[220]
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A preacher of the old school was describing the events of Judgment Day and, of course, he used Biblical phraseology whenever he could.
"Oh, my friends," he intoned, "imagine the suffering of the sinners as they find themselves cast into the outer darkness, removed from the presence of the Lord and given to eternal flames. My friends, at such a time there will be weeping, wailing and a great gnashing of teeth!"
At this point, one of the elders of the congregation interrupted.
"But Reverend," she said, "what if one of those hopeless sinners has no teeth?"
The preacher crashed his fist on the pulpit, "My friends, the Lord is not put out by details. Rest assured ... teeth will be provided!"long-jokes[219]
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The visiting preacher was really getting the congregation moving. Near the end of his sermon he said this church has really got to walk to which someone in the back yelled, "let her walk preacher!"
The preacher then said if this church is going to go it's got to get up and run to which someone again yelled with gusto, "let her run preacher!"
Feeling the surge of the church, the preacher then said with even louder gusto, "if this church is going to go it's got to really fly" and once again with ever greater gusto, someone yelled, "let her fly preacher, let her fly!"
The preacher then seized the moment and stated with even greater gusto, "if this church is really going to fly it's going to need money" to which someone in the back yelled, "let her walk preacher, let her walk."long-jokes[215]
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