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Picture the scene: Moses and his flock arrive at the sea, with the Egyptians in hot pursuit. Moses calls a staff meeting.
(Moses) Well, how are we going to get across the sea? We need a fast solution. The Egyptians are close behind us.
(General) Normally, I'd recommend that we build a pontoon bridge to carry us across. But there's not enough time - the Egyptians are too close.
(Admiral) Normally, I'd recommend that we build barges to carry us across. But time is too short.
(Moses) Does anyone have a solution?
Just then, his Public Relations man raises his hand.
(Moses) You! You have a solution?
(PRMan) No, but I can promise you this: If you can find a way out of this one, I can get you two or three pages in the Old Testament!long-jokes[237]
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A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a pastor and poured out his story of tears and woe.
When he had finished, the pastor said, "Here's what I want you to do, put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."
A year later the businessman went back to the pastor and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom- tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket and gave it to the pastor as a donation in thanks for his advice.
The pastor recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked.
"Absolutely," replied the businessman.
"You went to the beach?"
"Absolutely."
"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"
"Absolutely."
"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"
"Absolutely."
"And what were the first words you saw?"
"Chapter 11."long-jokes[235]
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The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar.
And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.
"Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"
A little girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great enthusiasm. "To make the gravy."long-jokes[234]
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The Bible in 50 words...
God made
Adam bit
Noah arked
Abraham split
Joseph ruled
Jacob fooled
Bush talked
Moses balked
Pharaoh plagued
People walked
Sea divided
Tablets guided
Promise landed
Saul freaked
David peeked
Prophets warned
Jesus born
God walked
Love talked
Anger crucified
Hope died
Love rose
Spirit flamed
Word spread
God remained.long-jokes[231]
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Did you hear about the town's richest man who met with the minister after the Sunday service?
"Why does everyone call me cheap and stingy?" complained the man. "I've told everyone I'm leaving half my money to the church when I die."
The minister nodded. "It reminds me of the story about the pig and the cow. The cow was much loved by the farmer and his neighbors, while the pig was not popular at all. The pig could not understand this and asked the cow about it.
'How come you are so well liked, cow? People say you're good because you give milk and butter and cream every day. But I give more than that. From me they get bacon and ham; they even pickle my feet. Yet I'm not popular and you are. Why do you think that is?'
The cow looked down at the pig and answered, 'Perhaps it's because I give while I'm still alive.'"long-jokes[228]
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