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Two Pastors wives were visiting and sewing their husbands pants. One wife said: My husband is just beside himself, he does not know what to do anymore and he is so tired and depressed he said he is ready to just give up and resign.
The other wife said: I am sorry to hear that because my husband has never been happier. Our membership is growing and we are out of our financial burden, we have such a large and loving congregation. Life could not be any better than it is right now.
(One woman was mending the seat of her husbands pants, the other was mending the knees.)long-jokes[247]
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An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row please." she answered.
"You really don't want to do that", the usher said.
"The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No." he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No." she said.
"Good", he answered.long-jokes[246]
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I am God. Today I will be handling all of your problems. Please remember that I do not need your help. If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do not attempt to resolve it. Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box. It will be addressed in My time, not yours. Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it.
If you find yourself stuck in traffic; Don't despair. There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.
Should you have a bad day at work; Think of the man who has been out of work for years.
Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; Think of the person who has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return.
Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; Think of the man in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed his children.
Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance; Think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.
Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror; Think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.
Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking what is my purpose? Be thankful. There are those who didn't live long enough to get the opportunity.
Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities; Remember, things could be worse. You could be them!!!!long-jokes[244]
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Santa lives at the North Pole.
JESUS is everywhere.
Santa rides in a sleigh
JESUS rides on the wind and walks on the water.
Santa comes but once a year
JESUS is an ever present help.
Santa fills your stockings with goodies
JESUS supplies all your needs.
Santa comes down your chimney uninvited
JESUS stands at your door and knocks.. and then enters your heart.
You have to stand in line to see Santa
JESUS is as close as the mention of His name.
Santa lets you sit on his lap
JESUS lets you rest in His arms.
Santa doesn't know your name, all he can say is "Hi little boy or girl, What's your name?"
JESUS knew our name before we did. Not only does He know our name, He knows our address too. He knows our history and future and He even knows how many hairs are on our heads.
Santa has a belly like a bowl full of jelly
JESUS has a heart full of love.
All Santa can offer is HO HO HO
JESUS offers health, help and hope.
Santa says "You better not cry"
JESUS says "Cast all your cares on me for I care for you.
Santa's little helpers make toys
JESUS makes new life, mends wounded hearts, repairs broken homes and builds mansions.
Santa may make you chuckle but
JESUS gives you joy that is your strength.
While Santa puts gifts under your tree
JESUS became our gift and died on the tree.
It's obvious there is really no comparison.
We need to remember WHO Christmas is all about.
We need to put Christ back in Christmas.
Jesus is still the reason for the season.long-jokes[242]
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Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.
Prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally, one day during a tropical storm, Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark - and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."
As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a flash of lightning hits the water and lo and behold, Justin turns into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swims away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time went on, and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old friends simply swam away whenever he came close to them, Justin hardly realizing that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
During the next tropical storm, Justin figures that the same lightning force could change him back into a prawn. Lightning never strikes twice except in stories like these, but while he was thinking of being a prawn again, a flash of lightning strikes the water next to Justin and lo and behold, he turns back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swims back to his friends and buys them all a cocktail.
Looking around the gathering at the reef, he looks for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark" came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he sets off to Christian's house. As he opens the coral gate, the memories come flooding back. He bangs on the door and shouts "It's me, Justin, your old friend. Come out and see me again!"
Christian replies, "No way man. You'll eat me. You're a shark; the enemy. I will not be tricked."
Justin cries back, "No I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed ...
.
.
.
.
.
... I'm a prawn again Christian.... !!"long-jokes[238]
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