• A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?" The little girl stayed silent. Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?" Again, the little girl was silent. Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?" "Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants."

    jokes[45]

  • It seems a cowboy from Colorado skipped church one Sunday to go bear hunting in the mountains. As he turned the corner along the path, he and a bear collided. The cowboy stumbled backwards, slipped off the trail and began tumbling down the mountain with the bear in hot pursuit. Finally the cowboy crashed into a boulder, sending his rifle in one direction and breaking both legs. As the bear closed in, the cowboy cried out in desperation, "Lord, I'm sorry for what I have done. Please forgive me and save me! Lord, please make that bear a Christian." Suddenly, the clouds parted and a beam of light shown down on the bear. The bear skidded to a halt at the cowboy's feet, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and said, "God, bless this food which I am about to receive."

    jokes[44]

  • Two Jewish gentlemen, long-time friends, happened to meet, and one noticed that the other seemed depressed.

    "What's wrong?" he asked

    "There's terrible trouble in my family, " the first fellow said. "I sent my son to Israel so that he would come home a better Jew and believe it or not, he came home a Christian."

    "It's funny that you should mention that," said the second man. "Exactly the same thing happened to me. I sent my son to Israel so that he'd become a better Jew, and he too, came home a Christian."

    They both decided to seek the advice of their rabbi. They went and told their rabbi what had happened in their families.

    "It's funny that you should mention that," said the rabbi, "because exactly the same thing happened in our family. I sent my only son to Israel in hope that he would become a better Jew, and, believe it not, he also came home a Christian."

    At that, the three men fell to their knees, and with tears streaming down their faces, addressed God the Father Almighty directly. When each of them told the Lord their stories, they heard a voice from heaven reply: "It's funny that you should mention that . . ."

    jokes[42]

  • A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates.

    St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."

    "Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."

    "That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"

    "Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service."

    "Terrific!" says St. Peter, "that's certainly worth a point."

    "One point? Golly. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."

    "Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.

    "TWO POINTS!!" the man cries, "At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God!"

    "Come on in!"

    jokes[41]

  • Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

    St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

    St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter."

    St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

    jokes[40]

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