• A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

    "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

    Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But, you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

    "But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

    The jury foreman replied, "Oh, we looked, but your client didn't."

    family-jokes[137]

  • A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.

    Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his lawyer neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?"

    The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98." said the butcher.

    A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98.

    Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150.

    family-jokes[136]

  • If I were a bear, I'd get to hibernate. I'd do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

    If I were a bear, I'd have to eat myself stupid before I hibernated. I could deal with that, too.

    If I were a mama bear, everyone would know I meant business. I'd swat anyone who bothered my cubs. If my cubs were out of line, I'd swat them too. I could deal with that.

    If I were a female bear, my mate would EXPECT me to wake up growling. He would EXPECT that I would have hairy legs and excess body fat.

    I wanna be a bear.

    family-jokes[100]

  • To Tell the weather, Go to your back door and look for the dog.

    If the is at the door and he is hot and thirsty, it's probably hot and sunny.

    If the dog is wet, it's probably raining. But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.

    If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.

    If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.

    Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave Rover outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.

    Sincerely,

    The Snuggles the Cat

    family-jokes[99]

  • Nigel, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone. . .

    "Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice.

    Nigel thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.

    The next morning at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his neighbor back.

    "Good morning, Mr. Andrews.... Just called to say that I don't have a dog."

    family-jokes[98]

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