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A pregnant woman from Washington, D.C. gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Maryland came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's an idiot!" She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise."
"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"
"Denephew. "family-jokes[189]
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A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
"Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake"family-jokes[185]
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An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any recent interest in his paintings which happened to be on display.
"I have good news and bad news," the gallery owner replied. " The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death."
"What did you say?" questioned the artist.
"When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The gentleman was your doctor."family-jokes[184]
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In celebration of the complexities of the English language, we bring you the following: Lets face it English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted but if we examine its paradoxes we find:- that Quicksand takes you down slowly Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught, why didn't the preacher praught. If a vegetarian eats vegetables why don't humanitarians eat human!?
Why do people recite at a play yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day and as cold as hell on another?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language:- whereby a house can burn up as it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out. A bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers and it reflects the creativity of the human race (Which of course isn't a race at all)family-jokes[183]
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The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."family-jokes[181]
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