• 
  An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum.
  
  "I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.
  
  To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
  
  A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
  
  "Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

  long-jokes[249]

• 
  A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer when all of a sudden he said aloud, "Lord grant me one wish". The sky clouded and a booming voice said, "Because you have tried to be faithful I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want to."
  
  The Lord answered, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time to think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me".
  
  The man thought for a long time and finally said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know what they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy?"
  
  After a few minutes God said, "How many lanes do you want on that bridge?"

  long-jokes[248]

• 
  Two Pastors wives were visiting and sewing their husbands pants. One wife said: My husband is just beside himself, he does not know what to do anymore and he is so tired and depressed he said he is ready to just give up and resign.
  
  The other wife said: I am sorry to hear that because my husband has never been happier. Our membership is growing and we are out of our financial burden, we have such a large and loving congregation. Life could not be any better than it is right now.
  
  (One woman was mending the seat of her husbands pants, the other was mending the knees.)

  long-jokes[247]

• 
  An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
  
  "The front row please." she answered.
  
  "You really don't want to do that", the usher said.
  
  "The pastor is really boring."
  
  "Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
  
  "No." he said.
  
  "I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
  
  "Do you know who I am?" he asked.
  
  "No." she said.
  
  "Good", he answered.

  long-jokes[246]

• 
  The old time pastor was galloping down the road, rushing to get to church on time. Suddenly his horse stumbled and pitched him to the ground. In the dirt with a broken leg, the pastor called out, "All you saints in Heaven, help me get up on my horse!"
  
  Then, with superhuman effort, he leaped onto the horse's back and fell off the other side.
  
  Once again on the ground, he called to Heaven, "All right, just half of you this time!"

  jokes[245]

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