• The minister was preaching on the evils of drink. He first said he would like to gather up all the wine and dump it in the river. Then he moved on to beer and said he would like to get all the beer and dump it in the river, and then all other forms of alcohol to be dumped into the river. The choir director's face began to show a worried look. The first hymn they were scheduled to sing was "Shall we gather at the river?"

    jokes[254]

  • Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives. It seems that Sam is dying, so Moe comes to visit him. "Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives. Sam, you have do me one favor. When you go, somehow you've got to tell me if there's baseball in heaven." Sam looks up at Moe from his deathbed and says, "Moe, you've been my friend many years. This favor I'll do for you." And with that, Sam passes on. It is midnight a couple nights later. Moe is sound asleep when a distant voice calls out to him, "Moe.... Moe...." "Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Moe, it's Sam." "Come on. You're not Sam. Sam died." "I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!" "Sam? Is that you? Where are you?" "I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got some good news and some bad news." "Tell me the good news first," says Moe. "The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven." "Really?" says Moe, "That's wonderful! What's the bad news?" "You're pitching Tuesday!"

    long-jokes[253]

  • Alright, so you don't believe in me. (But what if you're wrong?)
    God.

    Don't forget your umbrella. I might water the plants today.
    God.

    Its not the end of the world. Not until I say so, anyway.
    God.

    If you missed the sunrise I made for you today, never mind. I'll make you another one tomorrow.
    God.

    How can you possibly be a self-made man? I specifically recall creating you.
    God.

    Nietzche is dead.
    God.

    I was thinking of making the world black and white. Then I thought Naaah.
    God.

    How can you call yourself a free thinker when you can't even accept the possibility of my existence?
    God.

    If you think Mona Lisa is stunning, you should look at my masterpiece. Look in the Mirror.
    God.

    Please don't drink and drive. You're not quite ready to meet me.
    God.

    When you're weary, feeling small. When tears are in your eyes, I will dry them all. Simon and Garfunkel. Ditto.
    God.

    I think you're the most beautiful person in the world. OK, I'm biased.
    God.

    What do I have to do to get your attention? Take out an ad in the newspaper?
    God.

    Earthlings, don't treat me like an alien.
    God.

    Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game.
    God

    C'mon over and bring the kids.
    God

    What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand?
    God

    We need to talk.
    God

    Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer.
    God

    Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage.
    God

    That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it.
    God

    I love you and you and you and you and...
    God

    Will the road you're on get you to my place?
    God

    Follow me.
    God

    Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding.
    God

    My way is the highway.
    God

    Need directions?
    God

    You think it's hot here?
    God

    Have you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test.
    God

    Do you have any idea where you're going?
    God

    Don't make me come down there.
    God

    top-10s[252]

  • Three pastors went to the pastor's convention and were all sharing one room.

    The first pastor said, "Let's confess our secret vices one to another. I'll start - my secret vice is I just love to gamble. When I go out of town, it's cha-ching cha-ching, let the machines ring."

    The second pastor said, "My secret vice is that I just love to drink. When I go out of town, I like to take a little nip of something."

    The third pastor said, "My secret vice is gossiping and I can't wait to get out of this room!"

    long-jokes[251]

  • Q. Why do ducks have web feet?
    A. To stomp out forest fires!

    Q. Why do Elephants have big feet?
    A. To stomp our flaming ducks!

    riddles[250]

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