• 
  A small country church was searching for a new pastor to carry on for their pastor who was retiring.
  
  After reviewing several resumes they had narrowed down their choice to a pastor who seemed to be perfect for their tiny congregation. so they visited the prospective pastor at his current church.
  
  That morning he delivered his sermon in just five minutes! The deacons were impressed that he was able to be so quick and precise with the message. Pleased with this they invited the prospective pastor to preach at their church so the entire congregation could meet him. He preached his "evaluation" sermon in just under twelve minutes! The deacons decided that very day that this was indeed the man that God had chosen for them. Quick, precise, right to the point and right to lunch. The new pastor received a unanimous call.
  
  On his first Sunday at his new church the pastor arrived a little late. He took his place in the pulpit and apologized for his tardiness. At once he commenced his sermon. TWO HOURS later he concluded his sermon. This concerned the deacons and they called the pastor in to a closed meeting that evening.
  
  "When we visited you at your previous church you preached for 5 minutes. When you preached for us here as a visiting pastor you preached for 12 minutes. Now that you are our new pastor you preached for TWO HOURS. Why? What is different?"
  
  The pastor considered their question and responded. "When you visited me at my old church I had just had several teeth pulled in preparation to get dentures. My mouth was very sore and 5 minutes was all I could do. When I visited here and preached I had just gotten my new dentures and was trying to adjust to them. 12 minutes was all I could stand. This morning I awoke late. In my rush to get to church I accidentally put in my wifes' dentures instead of my own."

  long-jokes[269]

• 
  Christian Lightbulb Jokes
  
  1. How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb? One, since his/her hands are in the air anyway.
  2. How many Calvinists does it take to change a lightbulb? None. God has predestined when the lights will be on.
  3. How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb? 10, as they need to hold a debate into whether or not the lightbulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the lightbulb they may not go ahead and change it for fear of alienating those who use fluorescent tubes.
  4. How many Anglo-Catholics does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They always use candles instead.
  5. How many evangelicals does it take to change a light bulb? Evangelicals do not change light bulbs. They simply read out the instructions and hope the light bulb will decide to change itself.
  6. How many Atheists does it take to change a lightbulb? One. But they are still in darkness.
  7. How many Brethren does it take to change a light bulb? Change?????
  8. How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb? 10, one to change it and 9 others to pray against the spirit of darkness.
  9. How many TV evangelists does it take to change a lightbulb? One. But for the message of hope to continue to go forth, send in your donation today.
  10. How many campfire worship leaders does it take to change a lightbulb? One. But soon all those around can warm up to its glowing.
  11. How many Calvanists does it take to change a light bulb? None. If God wants it changed He will do it Himself.
  12. How many charismatics does it take to change a lightbulb? Three. One to cast it out and two to catch it when it falls.

  top-10s[268]

• 
  A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.
  
  After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.
  
  A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied.
  
  The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.

  long-jokes[267]

• 
  There were two men shipwrecked on this island. The minute they got on to the island one of them started screaming and yelling, "We're going to die! We're going to die! There's no food! No water! We're going to Die!"
  
  The second man was propped up against a palm tree and acting so calmly it drove the first man crazy. "Don't you understand?!? We're going to die!!"
  
  The second man replied, "You don't understand, I make $100,000 a week."
  
  The first man looked at him quite dumbfounded and asked, "What difference does that make?!? We're on an island with no food and no water! We're going to DIE!!!"
  
  The second man answered, "You just don't get it. I make $100,000 a week and I tithe ten percent on that $100,000 a week. My pastor will find me!"

  long-jokes[266]

• 
  30 Signs That Technology Has Taken Over Your Life
  
  1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back.
  
  In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead.
  
  2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.
  
  3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house -- only computers with laser printers.
  
  4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.
  
  5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.
  
  6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers -- and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.
  
  7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.
  
  8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.
  
  9. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.
  
  10. You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.
  
  11. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.
  
  12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-).
  
  13. You back up your data every day.
  
  14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse.
  
  15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.
  
  16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.
  
  17. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.
  
  18. You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.
  
  19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.
  
  20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
  
  21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.
  
  22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a- quarter-and three-and-a-half-inch sizes.
  
  23. Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.
  
  24. You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are.
  
  25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.
  
  26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.
  
  27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
  
  28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
  
  29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better -- the track ball or the track *pad*.
  
  30. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop.

  top-10s[265]

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