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An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"
Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"
The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD."
The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."
The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"long-jokes[194]
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Why Men Should Join the Church Choir
10. Rehearsals are every Wednesday night. Which means that for those few hours, you will significantly reduce your risk of contracting tendinitis from nonstop operation of a television remote control or computer mouse.
9. Because you wear a choir robe every Sunday, you are liberated from a task many men find quite challenging: finding clothes that match properly.
8. From your special vantage point every Sunday, in which you look out at the entire congregation from the choir seats, you will develop interesting new hobbies. Among these is a little guessing game called "Who's Praying, Who's Sleeping?"
7. On the other hand, sitting in full view of 400-500 people on a weekly basis makes it much less likely that you yourself will give in to a chronic lack of sleep. Although it has been known to happen.
6. If you think your singing in the shower sounds good now, just wait till you've been singing with us for a few weeks.
5. Singing in a choir is one of the few activities for men that does not require electronics equipment or expensive power tools. This could be good for the family budget.
4. For the fitness buffs, singing in the Choir is not only heart healthy, it's soul healthy. But there are no monthly membership fees, and it's a lot easier on the knees than jogging.
3. If you think you've done everything there is to do, and there are no great challenges left in life, try singing with us guys and staying on pitch.
2. Choir rehearsal lasts half as long as a professional football game, but is at least twice as satisfying. This is especially true if you are a long-suffering fan of the Miami Dolphins. (Don't worry, though, the rehearsals are on Wednesday, not Monday Nights.)
And the number 1 reason men should join the choir:
1. When people ask you whether you've been behaving yourself, you can say with the utmost sincerity, "Hey, I'm a Choir Boy."top-10s[193]
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A new Pastor in a small Oklahoma town spent the first four days making personal visits to each of the members, inviting them to come to his first services.
The following Sunday the church was all but empty. Accordingly, the Pastor placed a notice in the local newspapers, stating that, because the church was dead, it was everyone's duty to give it a decent Christian burial. The funeral would be held the following Sunday afternoon, the notice said.
Morbidly curious, a large crowd turned out for the "funeral." In front of the pulpit, they saw a closed coffin, smothered in flowers. After the Pastor delivered the eulogy, he opened the coffin and invited his congregation to come forward and pay their final respects to their dead church.
Filled with curiosity as to what would represent the corpse of a "dead church," all the people eagerly lined up to look in the coffin. Each "mourner" peeped into the coffin then quickly turned away with a guilty, sheepish look.
In the coffin, tilted at the correct angle, was a large mirror.long-jokes[192]
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A nun who works for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it there was a station just down the street. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.
The attendant regretfully told her that the only can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car two men walked by. One of them turned to the other and said: "Now that is what I call faith!"long-jokes[191]
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What My Mother Taught Me
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE: "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside- I just finished cleaning!"
My mother taught me RELIGION: "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why."
My mother taught me more LOGIC: "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT: "Make sure you wear clean underwear,in case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY: "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS: "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM: "Will you 'look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA: "You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."
My mother taught me about WEATHER: "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS: "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen THEN?"
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY: "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times-Don't Exaggerate!!!"
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE: "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION: "Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY! "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION: "Just wait until we get home."
My Mother taught me about RECEIVING: "You are going to get it when we get home!"
My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE: "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD: "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."
My Mother taught me ESP: "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"
My Mother taught me HUMOR: "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes,don't come running to me."
My Mother taught me about GENETICS: "You're just like your father."
My Mother taught me about my ROOTS: "Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE: "When you get to be my age, you will understand."
And my all time favorite.... My Mother taught me about JUSTICE: "One day you'll have kids... and I hope they turn out just like you."top-10s[190]
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