• A preacher of the old school was describing the events of Judgment Day and, of course, he used Biblical phraseology whenever he could.

    "Oh, my friends," he intoned, "imagine the suffering of the sinners as they find themselves cast into the outer darkness, removed from the presence of the Lord and given to eternal flames. My friends, at such a time there will be weeping, wailing and a great gnashing of teeth!"

    At this point, one of the elders of the congregation interrupted.

    "But Reverend," she said, "what if one of those hopeless sinners has no teeth?"

    The preacher crashed his fist on the pulpit, "My friends, the Lord is not put out by details. Rest assured ... teeth will be provided!"

    long-jokes[219]

  • Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner. One of them said, "You know, since summer started I've been having trouble with them flying bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything, but nothing seems to scare them off.

    Another pastor said "Yes, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away!"

    The third pastor said, "I baptized all mine, made them members of the church, and they haven't seen one back since!"

    jokes[218]

  • A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

    "What Denomination?" Asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones."

    jokes[217]

  • Rev. Warren J. Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Yuma, AZ, says that the best prayer he ever heard was: "Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am."

    jokes[216]

  • The visiting preacher was really getting the congregation moving. Near the end of his sermon he said this church has really got to walk to which someone in the back yelled, "let her walk preacher!"

    The preacher then said if this church is going to go it's got to get up and run to which someone again yelled with gusto, "let her run preacher!"

    Feeling the surge of the church, the preacher then said with even louder gusto, "if this church is going to go it's got to really fly" and once again with ever greater gusto, someone yelled, "let her fly preacher, let her fly!"

    The preacher then seized the moment and stated with even greater gusto, "if this church is really going to fly it's going to need money" to which someone in the back yelled, "let her walk preacher, let her walk."

    long-jokes[215]

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